“I Am Dog!”

This is Ivy.

This is Ivy. She is a Mastiff-Chihuahua. I have the papers to prove it.

An Analysis of the Cognitive Patterns of the Common House Ivy

IVY: Oh please dad, I have to go out! I have to go out SO BAD! I have to pee! Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

[kind-hearted human lets dog out in the backyard]

IVY. Oh my! GRASS! When did this get here?! I love to roll in it!

[rollrollroll]

Isn’t grass the best! It’s so great! I’m going to do this forever!

[stops rolling, sticks nose in air]

Do you smell that?! Does that smell like the best! I think someone 1.3 miles away just started grilling a hamburger. Isn’t hamburger the best!

Oh look chickens! Aren’t chickens the best?! I’m going to see what they’re up to!

[chickens flee]

Oh look a bee! I’m going chase it! Grrr! I’m fierce and will get that bee!

[freezes, pointing in the distance with a one upraised paw]

Did you hear that?! I think a moth farted on the next block! Let’s go see! I must do this because I am dog!

[frustrated human chases dog back inside]

[five minutes pass]

IVY: Oh please dad, I have to go out! I have to go out SO BAD! I have to pee! Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

[repeat for 10-15 years]