How I Imagine Mainstream TV News

NEWS ANCHOR: Coming up, we have an interview with an eyewitness who drove by the site where four Marines were murdered in Tennessee. She thinks she may have seen a car displaying a Confederate flag in the parking lot.

[pause]

NEWS ANCHOR: Wait, this just in: Police have identified the shooter. His name is Muhamm-

[stops abruptly, listens to earpiece, nods]

NEWS ANCHOR: And now we go to breaking news. Caitlyn Jenner has just chosen a brand of depilatory. Phil? What can you tell us about this?

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